The Lens:
We are always looking for shows to watch.
Years ago, before the invention of streaming television, we (by that, I mean people in general) would have favorite television shows. (I talked about this in “Remote Control.”) If we wanted to see a show, we made sure to be home on the day and at the designated time to watch it as it was broadcast. I had quite a few shows I would watch each week.
With streaming TV, and with the vast array of shows that comes with it to choose from and the ability to watch anytime, oddly, we now watch one show at a time.
A little digression there.
Anyway, one of the shows we watched recently was “Vera,” a British murder mystery. Detective Chief Investigator Vera Stanhope is smart, tough and excellent at what she does. She is also no kid. She is a bit disheveled and overweight. She is not a sharp dresser. She wears an old overcoat and hat that is as old as the coat.
In one episode, it comes to light a former police officer Vera had worked for in her younger years had been sexually harassing/using women. Everyone in her squad knows this. In their conversations, she maintains she had no idea what had been happening.
Later in the show, she is out in the field with her right hand detective, Aiden. He asks her about her former boss. Vera can read between the lines that he is wondering why her former boss never approached her. She says a bit defensively, “I didn’t always look like this.”
That reminded me of an incident several years earlier. We had some team building thing at work where we brought pictures of ourselves when we were younger. Then, we were supposed to guess who was who.
I brought one of me in my early twenties. I was surprised how hard it was for my co-workers to guess which one was me. Of course, I had some pretty big hair back then that was my natural dark brown before I let it go to its natural grey. And, I wore contact lenses instead of glasses. Still, it was a little unnerving that most people didn’t see me in the picture.
At one point, I was standing there looking at the pictures. One of my co-workers, who is probably 20+ years younger than me, was also looking at the pictures. When I pointed out which was the picture of me, he said something like, Wow, you were really cute. To which I responded, “The apropos word there is ‘were’.” I said it in a self-deprecating manner, meant to be light, but I could tell he was clearly embarrassed.
I really did not take offense to this. I was cute. It is fairly easy to be cute when you are young. But, we all age don’t we? I am not bad looking now but there is no way I will every be as cute as I was when I was in my twenties. I am not sure a woman my age could be considered cute at all. I am very comfortable with who I am. What’s so wrong with getting older?
The Refraction:
As Tammy Wynette said, “Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.”
The “Vera” episode also brought back another memory from when I was actually in my early twenties. I worked for a bank. Most of us who worked there were young females. We had a security guard who was constantly bothering us, asking us out, etc. Our Operations Manager called in his manager.
When our OM called the women together to talk with the security manager, she commented, in a somewhat disdainful tone, that the guard had never approached her. She was older than the rest of us and not overly attractive. Clearly, she seemed put out she had not been harassed.
Think about that. She was put out because she was not being harassed. It is a horrible catch 22. Women do not enjoy being harassed. It is disrespectful, annoying, and sometimes downright scary.
Yet, if you aren’t harassed, then you begin to question if you are worthy enough to attract a man’s attention. In “Vera,” she knows her squad are all looking at her as less than a woman because her boss did not give her unwanted attention.
The thing is, harassment is not attraction. It is not even attention. Harassers don’t want a relationship. They want to use, maybe even abuse. And still, we can’t keep ourselves from equating the unwanted attention of some pervert as an affirmation of our beauty. It’s not.
Throughout the “Vera” episode, there is a pall hanging over her. In the end, Aiden comes to an understanding about both how Vera feels and the dichotomy of the situation. He says to her: He didn’t bother you because you were too smart. You would have seen right through him.
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.