The Lens:
As if times weren’t trying enough, we had a death in the family. My sister-in-law’s long-time boyfriend passed away. While they weren’t married or living together, he had been a part of our family for well more than 20 years.
It was not COVID related but still unexpected. Death happens. That doesn’t make it any easier. I feel both she and he were fortunate in that, since he didn’t have COVID, she was able to visit him in the hospital and spend a little time with him before he died. Visitation was limited but it was possible.
That is a strange thing to feel – that they were fortunate. He’s gone. She has lost someone very special to her, and, yet, I feel they were lucky. We have so many people dying in isolation, without one last hug or kiss from those they love, without the opportunity to say I love you. And, we have so many of their family members who did not get those same opportunities either. For the survivors, though, they miss out on something else. The feeling of closure.
When my mom died, it was also unexpected and sudden. I was not with her when she passed away. My sisters and I knew her death was imminent but how long was not certain. We decided to take turns, two at a time, to stay with Mom. Even though I was not there at the time of her death, I spent time with her near the end, holding her hand, talking to her. She wasn’t responding, but I knew she could hear me.
We did not get that opportunity with my dad. He had a heart attack while out of town and died pretty much instantaneously. It has always felt very strange that I never got the chance to say goodbye. Thirty plus years later and I still feel that somehow that is not the way it should have been.
What COVID has complicated in this situation with my sister-in-law’s boyfriend is a service. I think it is unlikely there will be one. His brother is struggling with the loss and coordinating a memorial under the current restrictions seems too difficult.
The Refraction
It has been 7 months since people began to distance. It seems like an eternity. I think of all of the gatherings I have missed or that did not happen. And, now the holidays are coming. We are having serious discussions on whether or not to have our usual family Thanksgiving dinner. Exposing my in-laws, who are in a very high-risk category for COVID complications (that is, death), doesn’t seem worth the risk of a family dinner.
I would be ok skipping the holiday dinner. It wouldn’t be the first time we spent the holiday with just our immediate nuclear family. The first time that occurred, my oldest son was a young child and had been exposed to Chicken Pox. There would be adults at dinner who had never had it. Not surprisingly, the family was hesitant to have us come over. So, we bought a little turkey, and I made my first Thanksgiving Dinner.
I am even coming to terms with spending Christmas without the extended family. It is only one year. And, that is the key. It is only one year. We have had so many past celebrations and will likely have many more to come. Would it really be so bad to scale down the holidays this time around?
I have a pretty big family. A get-together with my sisters and their families, and my husband’s family is 28 people. Add my husband’s step-family, and we add 8 more. Cousins? Add 17.
Life’s milestones are a huge part of our existance in my family are always cause for celebration. And, life’s sorrows are a time for support. What has been the oddest of all during COVID is these milestones that don’t get celebrated, the one-offs that you miss.
My niece got married shortly after everything shut down. She and her now husband had planned to be married next year. They decided to move up their wedding so his grandfather, who was terminally ill, could see them married. The new wedding was going to be on the smaller side with just the extended family. Then COVID came and the shutdowns started. When COVID exploded, the event was scaled down to the immediately family only.
My niece has been married nearly 7 months. I still have a hard time remembering she is married. I wasn’t there to celebrate with her so it doesn’t seem real.
I am having a similarly hard time with my sister-in-law’s boyfriend. His passing doesn’t seem real. It is still very new and takes time to sink in. Yet, the thought that there won’t be a service really bothers me. In my ritualistic family, the service would the time to mourn the loss, celebrate the life, and say goodbye.
So, how will I do these things? This is uncharted territory for me.
COVID has changed so much. Even if your rituals aren’t the same as mine, chances are your life has been drastically altered by COVID. We are social beings. We aren’t meant to be alone.
We need each other. We need to interact. We need to share our joys and sorrows, not over a Zoom call but live and in person. This goes not just for our personal lives but in our professional lives as well. As a teacher, I am stressed out of my mind right now. I commiserate with colleagues via text. It is not the same.
I hear companies say they are going to the work-from-home model permanently. I think this is not viable in the long run and just plain wrong. We should not be striving to isolate ourselves as a regular course of living. COVID is not the long-term reality.
All through history, events alter our course. My mom used to say WWII changed everything. I believe we will forever be changed by COVID. I just hope one of those changes won’t be the idea that isolation is the new normal.