The Lens:
A couple of months ago, my cousin sent out a group email. Her sister had a significant birthday coming up and she wanted to do something special. With a party out of the question, she was reaching out to family and friends, asking each of us to send a short video birthday wish that would be complied together.
I really hate it when people come up with wonderfully creative ideas that are sure to make someone very happy. But, just like my jealousy of my son’s superior photography skills (Illusions), I was not going to be put off. As I have said, I like to take photos. In most instances, I prefer to be behind the camera instead of in front. That goes 10-fold for video cameras. Fortunately, with all of the video lessons I have had to do for my students, I have come to the point of loathing acceptance to video taping myself.
The next hurdle to overcome was what to record. I could easily think of wonderful things to say about my cousin. But, how to say them in a way that wouldn’t sound like a sappy, overly sentimental movie. It took a few weeks to come up with an idea.
My school year was just about to start. I was hanging up the birthday list in my classroom. The proverbial light bulb went off. I could pretend like it was the birthday of one of my students. I would ask questions of my non-existent students about why their classmate, i.e., my cousin, was such a great person.
I went into school on a Saturday. I put on a decent shirt, but didn’t do much else in the way of appearance, and proceeded to record my birthday greeting. If it isn’t too egotistical, I was pretty happy with the cleverness and uniqueness of my idea, even if I didn’t quite care for the actual presentation.
I got my video off with a week to spare on the deadline. Phew! You know I hate being late. It was also a relief to have it done. With so many things on my to-do list when school starts, I hate for anything to be hanging over my head.
Imagine my shock when my cousin, who had asked for the photo submissions, sent out the completed video to all who had participated. She thanked us all for doing our part to make such a special gift.
That was more than 6 weeks ago, and I have yet to have had the time to watch the whole video. I did, however, watch my portion as well as do a spot review of other submissions. I am still happy with my idea. But, I really look bad.
My hair has stray strands floating all over the place. My shirt, which I had chosen because I thought it would look ok, didn’t really look so hot. And, my complexion looks just plain washed out. Crap.
Just this last week, I got an email from the birthday girl. She thanked me for my fun, clever video, and all of the wonderful compliments I gave her. She also said many of her friends asked who I was. Crap, again. She says she proudly told them who I am. One of her attributes I site is kindness. She truly is kind.
The Refraction:
I go back to Illusions and “a natural beauty.” I can only say, I hope I look better in person than I did in that video. Had I realized the video was going to be shared with all of humanity, I am quite certain, even with my overall comfort with my natural, un-made up state, I would have thought a little more closely about the shirt I would wear, taken a few extra minutes to smooth out my hair, and thrown on at least a little rouge or something to perk up my face.
But, there is no sense crying over what is done. “If it can be solved, there’s no need to worry, and if it can’t be solved, worry is of no use.” Dalai Lama. This one can’t be solved.
These two cousins of mine, they never look less than perfect. We are all roughly the same age. Still, if you stood us together and asked who was the oldest, I have no doubt the fingers would point at me. I just don’t put a lot of effort into my appearance. I don’t wear makeup. I let my hair go to its natural gray.
Now, I get lots (and I do mean lots) of compliments on my hair. On the other hand, I have also been getting the senior discount at the local grocery store ever since I stopped dying my hair years ago. They never ask if I am a senior. They just hit the discount button. No age is posted for getting the discount, but I am quite sure I didn’t meet the criteria. People have written online complaints about getting the senior discount at that store. That made me feel better. Still, I am a practical person. I’ll take the discount, warranted or not. But, I digress.
Anyway, there are plenty of times in my life I wished I would put more effort into how I look. If I just started dying my hair again, I would probably look 10 years younger, maybe more as, prior to going gray, people often mistook me for much younger than I am. I could bite the bullet and start wearing makeup. I’d look so much better. So, why don’t I?
I don’t really know. It could be because I prefer to sleep the extra 5, 10, 15 minutes it would take to put makeup on. I could go back to dying my hair. But, I stopped because I couldn’t stand sitting in the salon chair for two hours every 4 weeks (my hair grows fast) to have it colored. Maybe I have other priorities. Maybe I am just lazy.
After I had kids, I started worrying less about how I looked. That is not to say I went to pieces. Even after I quit my downtown job to stay home with the kids, I was the first one up every morning. I showered, blow dried my hair nicely, ironed my clothes, etc.
But, there were plenty of times when I was seen at far less than my best. I think of the time my son had a sleepover for his birthday. A houseful of 12-year-olds up all night meant I was up all night. All I wanted was for those kids to be gone. I greeted parent after parent in my robe with disheveled hair. Please just take your child away was all I cared.
Then there was the early morning soccer game on a particularly wet and windy Beach Chalet day. I knew my hair had to be a disaster. On the way to the car after the game, I asked my son how bad my hair was. He said, “It’s pretty bad.” A little jarring coming from a 10-year-old.
And, then, I was the traffic lady at my sons’ school for quite a few years. Rain or shine, I was out there. You can’t look any worse than that.
So, who would I be fooling if I got all gussied up? Why bother pretending? They’ve all seen me at my worst.
In the end, maybe this is just who I am. What you see is what you get. I just wonder why I can’t let go that I could do better. This is my monkey on my back.
We all have our little monkeys, don’t we? Things we can’t let go of, even though we want to, know we should. There are more important things to worry about in life.
Years ago, I was talking with my husband’s aunt about aging and people not seeing the signs, things like wearing clothes that you think make you look young but make you look foolish. I wondered aloud if I would know when it was time for me to start wearing makeup. She said the time would never come for me. She was another who was very kind.
Today, I am hearing her voice, loud and clear. I am fine the way I am. There is no need to do better, because I am fine the way I am.
You may not have known her, but hear her words. You are fine the way you are. There is no need to do better because you are fine the way you are.