The Lens:
I was watching the morning news recently and was struck by a network “Coming this Fall on TV” commercial. I tape the news each day and went back later for another look-see. Here are the stats from the commercial:
Of the montage of scenes of people in fall shows, there were:
- 41 images of men
- 15 images of women
(Note: I did not count extras like people in bar scenes)
Of those that spoke:
- 6 were men
- 1 was a woman
.
Of the scenes in the montage:
- 10 scenes featured only men
- 2 featured only women
- 11 featured both
Of the scenes in the montage that featured both men and women:
- 3 scenes had more men
- 1 had more women
- 7 had equal numbers of both
.
In every scene with men and women, with one exception, men were always dominant. Some examples: man in suit telling woman in army uniform “We’re here to help,” man driver telling woman to buckle up, men entered before women, women stood behind men. In the only scene with men and women where the woman was dominant, she grabs a man and kisses him. Of the two scenes featuring only women, one scene has a woman has her arm around what looks to be a teenage girl and she kisses her on the head, the other is of a judge alone.
My mom died 12 years ago. She was in her 80’s at the time. By chance, my husband, sons, and I had lunch with her about 2 weeks before she died. I don’t recall the topic of conversation but it must have been about how things were before my I was born. At one point, my husband said, “Yes, it was a man’s world,” to which my mother replied in that dry witty voice of hers, “What to you mean “was?” (said like “wuuuz.”)
The Refraction:
Yes, it was a man’s world then and still is today.
Here is the thing . . . kind of like my assertion in “Just One Generation” that we only talk about the perspective of descendants of slaves and ignore that of descendants of slave owners, in the fight for equality the focus is always on making women equal to men. We don’t talk about making men equal to women.
We don’t do that because the prevailing attitude is men are better than women – period. We look at men and think this is the ideal, this is what women need to strive for – to be like men. Our focus is on bringing women up to men’s level in terms of power, economic opportunities, etc., believing that will bring equality. But it won’t.
For there to be equality, we need to realize that, in many ways, men are not equal to women. We also need to value the freedoms and characteristics women possess that are superior to men. Then, we need to bring our men up to women’s levels in these areas.
A few years back, I was talking with a younger male coworker. His mode of transportation was a motorcycle. Again, specifics of the conversation escape me, but we got to discussing going out. He said when he and his girlfriend went out, they took her car. I said that when my husband and I were dating, he also had a motorcycle as well as an F100, column shift truck without power brakes or steering. So, whenever we went out, I drove. He retorted very quickly and sternly, “Well, I always drive.”
Wow. Alrighty then.
I was taken aback that he might consider it an affront that I would think his girlfriend was the one who drove. I also wondered why he felt he had to drive, even when it wasn’t his car (and why she let him!). It never occurred to me, when we were dating, to turn over the keys to my car to my husband. It was my car.
As a society, we have such different expectations for boys and girls – blue vs. pink. I have a very unscientific theory when it comes to raising children. It is based on my own limited observation.
Families with both sons and daughters have the most sexist upbringing. Boys do “guy” things with dad, girls do “girl” things with mom. For example, boys go fishing with dad, girls go to the ballet with mom.
The families with the least sexist upbringing have only daughters. I have 3 sisters, no brothers. My dad took us fishing, played baseball with us, taught us how to use tools. Deep down, I am pretty sure Dad wanted a son. He didn’t have one, so instead, he treated his daughters like sons. (Mom actually didn’t do a lot with us.)
Somewhere in between are families with only boys.
If we want true equality, we need to completely rethink what it means to be a woman or a man. We need to stop putting gender restrictions on thoughts, emotions, activities.
I raised two boys. I tried, though I am sure with nowhere near 100% success, not to attach gender constraints into their upbringing. Our son(s) went to Teddy Bear Teas, the ballet, opera. They played with stuffed animals, and dressed up. They were allowed to cry. (They also played ball, went fishing, etc.)
Yet, we would had to have lived alone on an island with no contact with the outside world for them not to be exposed to sexist ideas. It permeates our existence to the point where, at times, it is unrecognizable.
With COVID, we have extra masks in the classroom. One boy in my first grade class was having difficulty with his mask. I tried to give him one of the spare ones but he wouldn’t wear it. Why? Because it was pink. In first grade, our boys are already indoctrinated to the thought pink is for girls and girls only. Girls face no such restriction. They are free to wear whatever color they want, blue included.
Women have far more freedom, and society is far more forgiving of women who choose traditionally male activities, characteristics, styles, etc., than men have to choose traditionally female activities. For equality to exist, we need to allow our males the same freedom to choose traditionally female activities, characteristics, styles. We need to allow them to wear pink, to cry, to play with dolls without calling them gay or wusses, or telling them to man-up.
In general, we need to stop thinking of anything as being gender specific. The first step comes in recognition.
Try going through one day, hyper-aware of all of the ways sexism plays a role in your life. Start with getting dressed in the morning. What do you put on (or maybe what are you wearing when you get up – if anything at all)? What are you having for breakfast? If you get into your car, what kind of car do you drive? What color is it? What work is it that you do? How are you treated at stores – by men, by women? When you look at your phone, what style is it? Do you have a case for it? What does that look like? You need to pull out your ATM card at the store. Where do you keep it?
For an added layer of fun, do this with a member of the opposite sex and compare notes at the end of the day. I am guessing you will be stunned by how much sexism exists in our lives.
Then, the real challenge begins. How do we erase sexism without erasing our identity as women and men?
My all-time favorite female television character is Brenda Leigh Johnson of “The Closer.” She was tough as nails, yet as feminine as they come. She presents, though fictionally, the melding of male and female, while keeping gender identity. We could use an equivalent male example that melds male and female while managing to keep gender identity.
Which leads to one last question . . . Is this even possible – equality without homogeny? Because, homogeny is not the goal. Equality is.